"Do You Trust Me?"

(Hello! I just want to preface this post by saying this is what I believe about my season now - but my view could change the more I grow in understanding.)

A few years ago I was sitting in lectures and I remember the speaker was talking about laying our lives down and going anywhere God leads us. During that time I was staffing my second Discipleship Training School so I thought I had this part pretty much down. I mean, I already left my home and my family, I left school and what was going to lead to a comfortable job. I went in a direction where I wasn't making any money and was completely dependent on the support of others. I thought there was nothing that I wouldn't do for God. I would go to any third world nation in a heartbeat if I knew He was calling me. But I've been learning that God isn't as interested about our geographic location; He wants our hearts completely surrendered to Him.

So there I was sitting in lectures and I heard a strong voice say to me, "Go home. Do you trust me?" I was shook to the core. At this point in time, I had just committed to leading an outreach team to the Middle East, and I also committed to leading 3 schools after that one (at least a two year commitment). So you could imagine how shocked I was when I heard this... So many questions were going through my head at this time: 

First off, "Is this actually you God?"

Secondly, "Why would you want me to go home? There's nothing there for me."

Thirdly, "When am I supposed to go?" 

Additionally, I really loved what I was doing! I loved leading teams overseas and watching young people encounter the presence of God. At the time, I wondered why a loving God would ask me to walk away from something I loved so much?

On the surface I was acting like everything was okay but inside there was a battle over God's character and if the things I was hearing were actually from Him. I felt like I couldn't let people know I was processing leaving because I didn't want to seem uncommitted. I wanted to be obedient to God no matter what, but when I thought of opportunities back home I just couldn't picture anything good happening there. Going home felt hopeless. 

This process was difficult; the constant doubt and questioning eventually led me to a place of anxiety and depression. I remember thinking, 'Christians aren't supposed to struggle with this...' I was waking up at 5 a.m. every morning for weeks trying to figure out if I was being disobedient to the voice of God. I would run through scenarios in my head of what would happen if I left everything in a week. I was so afraid of leaving and later realizing I heard wrong, then missing out on school leading... but at the same time I was afraid of not leaving and missing out on bigger opportunities that I couldn't see in the moment. I wanted to obey God, but was not confident about what He said. 

For the sake of not writing a ridiculously long post I'm going to skip through most of my process but feel free to ask me about it if you want to know more.

During this time,  God spoke to me, "I am not afraid of the process." This got me through the next two years. I ended up deciding to stay with YWAM and finish my commitment because there was too much uncertainty in my heart about if I actually heard God. 

So here I am...  two years later, at the end of my commitment. I have a lot of the same questions but with less emotions. Two weeks ago, I was sitting in my room praying, trying to figure out what to do next. Do I go back to the word that I felt God might have been saying two years ago and trust that it's Him and that me going home is still what He wants? Or do I start figuring things out on my own? At this point I've learned there's a big difference between praying and just processing my thoughts.

I finally silenced my thoughts and asked God, "What am I supposed to do?"

Right away I heard His still small voice ask, "Do you trust me?" and it brought me right back to the place I was in two years ago. In the past I would just respond with, "Yes! Of course!" But this time I blurted out "No, I don't." I was almost shocked because it was the first time I was honest with myself... Every 'good Christian knows' the correct answer to that question is always Yes God!! But my honest answer was a simple no. Then again I heard, "Do you trust me?" Again I responded, "No God, I don't." A third time I heard God say, "Do you trust me?" and finally I said, "No I don't, but I want to..."

Something in me broke in that moment; it was the first time I really cried in my life. I felt God doing something in my heart. I didn't understand it with my mind but I felt something deep within.

Before this moment, when I would think about going home, I would instantly feel overwhelmed with the unknown and think I have to figure everything out on my own. But in that moment it was like God showed me that He never desired me to figure it out on my own strength but that I trust Him. The simple truth of trusting God. I think I like to complicate it and strive to do things for God but what He truly desires is that we trust Him when He says something.

I wish I could tell you that after that moment all doubts and unbelief left but 30 minutes later, I was asking myself if that was actually God. This is the process that God is not afraid of though. I won't ever know if it was Him who spoke to me unless I take the leap of faith into the unknown and allow Him to show Himself as faithful, loving, and the Good Shepherd. 

I believe this season will be one of growing and almost being hidden in a lot of ways. I know God has created me to be influential and to reach people for His kingdom. But I also know that my heart still has a lot of selfish desires and pride that needs refinement. So for now I'm trusting God. I'm trusting that He actually spoke to me, I'm trusting that He has a community for me to get plugged into and new friends to do life with, I'm trusting that He has an incredible job or opportunity for me, or that He will speak the next step. 

Thank you to those who have read this far!

To my friends in Minnesota: 

I can't wait to reconnect with all of you guys and hear about what's been happening in your life and to get to do life together! Thank you for all of your support and keeping up with my journey the last 5 years! I seriously couldn't have done any of this without you.

To those who I've met during YWAM:

All I can say is thank you. You guys have had such a huge impact on my life and I seriously can't imagine life without each of you. Regardless if I was supposed to be in YWAM or not, I know God used my time there in such incredible ways. I have been so blessed by the way you guys have supported me through this process, whether that was through listening or giving advice. I'm so grateful and this time has really shaped the person I am today. I love this ministry and base and couldn't have asked for a better group to do life with. 

To end, I have a lot of emotions when thinking about this next chapter of my life. I'm excited to see what God wants to do, but I am also nervous and scared about what it'll look like. If you think about it, keep me in your prayers and please stay in touch! I love all of you guys and can't wait to see what the future holds. 

Blessings.

Doubting Doubts and Being Humbled

The past year and a half has been by far the hardest time of my young life. I feel like I have been going in circles with God asking the same questions and then trying to find different ways to word those questions in hopes maybe then I'll get the answers I have been looking for. It has been one of those times where you just grit your teeth and press through what you're feeling. I went through a time of depression and anxiety where I just couldn't get those questions out of my head. At the time I didn't even know Christians struggled with those things because I had never heard any of them talk about it. All of this being said I'm also taking steps up in leadership and in a position where you feel like you should have all the answers and know God's voice to a tee... Some mornings before I start lectures I'm wondering if I still even believe God speaks or if He actually loves us as much as I'm telling people. How can a loving God allow you to go through times like this.. Now don't get me wrong, not once during all of this did I doubt if God truly existed it's more along the lines of who is God really?

Every single day I have a lecturer or a podcast maybe a book that I read who says this is who God is but I'm at the point where I see so many contradictions in beliefs and ideas that I don't know how to follow God without it being wrong to someone else. The last thing that I want to do is follow a man made idea of who God is.. To me that just sounds empty and pointless. I want the one true living God to open my eyes to who He is! That sounds so much more exciting! Plus then how could I doubt anything and I could teach everyone who God really is. Sounds good in theory right? But then somethings started to become really clear to me... I was reading a book called Knowledge of The Holy and it says that if someone had a complete understanding of who God is the weight and responsibility to share that would be unbearable.. Which makes sense.. But God didn't just leave me with that. I realized God is more into the process of revealing who He is rather then just giving the answers. Now for me, I really struggle with this one.. But when you think about it how would you feel if you had a friend or even a son who just came to you when you needed answers but other then that they wouldn't go out of their way to spend time with you... That would be a pretty selfish relationship, but yet that's what I was doing with God day after day. Asking the same questions and getting stuck in this rut of doubt.

I know God has called me to heal the sick, tell of His way and to pray for people. I would struggle to do any of that. When I saw a sick person on the road or would feel to encourage someone I wouldn't go over and pray for them because I was questioning things and I thought that was a good enough reason. Ultimately though that's just selfishness that I'm allowing others to struggle because I'm struggling.

The biggest thing that these doubts have taken from me though is the true presence of God. I wouldn't just sit with Him anymore without an agenda, but I would have a list of questions to go over in my head and if I didn't hear an answer I would leave discouraged. Something big God has pointed out to me since being home is the fact of how prideful I have been with these questions. Rather than approaching them with a humble heart and saying here's where I'm at, I have come at it with a mindset that I deserve to know these and He should tell me because He created me and put me through this. Now in Proverbs 3:34 it says:

34 He has no use for conceited people, but shows favor to those who are humble.

So here I am demanding answers but not understanding that He has no reason to answer those demands. But in a weird way God still answered me just not how I was expecting.. This morning when I was praying God pointed to me to Job 38 and it's where God is responding to Job and showing him that Job has no understanding to be asking such great questions of God. Verses 4 and 5 say:

4 Were you there when I made the world?
    If you know so much, tell me about it.
5 Who decided how large it would be?
    Who stretched the measuring line over it?
    Do you know all the answers?

The greatest revelation we can have is the greatness of our God. When we see how big He actually is then we're sitting there looking at how great and mighty He really is and every little problem we have melts away. If we have this deep foundation of knowing Him then the scripture saying, "If our God is for us, who can stand against us" has a whole new meaning. If you don't truly know the God who's for you then how can you go against anything. We NEED to spend more time looking at Him then looking at our questions! Now don't get me wrong question's aren't bad and I'll still probably wake up with 100 more but if those lead to questioning who God is then that's where as a Church we become paralyzed in our faith. We can't be a slave to two masters. Either we will be led by a mind of faith, or we will be a slave to an analytical mind.

Inside I can't help but think, "Am I just trying to find a cop out for pursuing answers by saying God is God?" But there's a deeper knowing in that, there is peace in the waiting and somethings really aren't for me to fully know yet and I can learn to rest in that! When we see His greatness then we will understand that He deserves every part of our life but at the same time we're human and can't possibly be perfect.. That's where we have perfect love in Jesus who covers the fact that we can't do that. His grace is perfect, and we can try our best to give everything but even though we come up short God still loves us! I encourage you to ask God what He wants to reveal of Himself and allow him to open your eyes. You will only see His true character if you give Him time to show it.

God bless everyone and thank you for taking time to read my process haha. If you have any questions or want to talk more about this you can message me and I'd love to tell you more! 

I will leave you with this song that is soooo good:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2MZZsk19aY

O U T R E A C H

I wanted to give you guys an update and let you know what my team saw and what God did through us! So none the less, here is what happened during my time overseas.

Our team had the privilege to spend the day we celebrate the birth of our savior in the place where he was born! Right away all of us were extremely humbled and blessed to have such an opportunity that millions of people would die to experience. We had an amazing time of getting to see their traditions, culture and experiencing their day to day life! Some really cool stories that we have mainly came from outside of our set up ministry time but was from our team always looking to build friendships with the locals.

Some of the scheduled things we were doing is twice a week we spent going to a refugee camp and doing kids games and activities as well as teaching them life skills that show them how to love each other more. We also taught English classed twice a week, and spent time helping at a disabled home! 

Something really cool happened that totally opened my eyes to what true hope is! I had been really struggling with being able to see what God is doing in the nation but also my own life and so I was becoming really discouraged and asking questions like how am I supposed to press in and declare things of who you are over a nation when I can't even see what you're doing in my own life? I was so humbled when I walked in to this disabled home and when I saw the hope of what the children carried everyday I was blown away. One of the kids who was blind started to sing a song that went like this: 

"We shall overcome,

We shall overcome, 

We shall overcome someday.

Oh deep in my heart, I do believe, that we shall overcome someday."

After he finished the song he proceeded to pray for some of his friends and the nation, and I sat there thinking to myself who am I to sit in this apathy and doubts to think its okay for me not to pray and do what I can to help others with my full heart. When he was singing the song it wasn't from a place of this is what I should be doing because I know its right but it was from a place of love, passion and belief that things will change and he will overcome. I turned to my teammate and we were both just sitting there speechless and humbled to see something like this. 

Something else that our team saw early on was that when God wants you to meet someone he wont waste time in introducing you. On the first week we met a Muslim man who was very friendly and asked if he could have our team over or a traditional meal. Our team was so ecstatic and said yes very quickly! When we got there he introduced us to his extended family of about 15 and took us on a hike to see "His mountains." It was so beautiful and the meal was unbelievable! After dinner we had the chance to just sit around and talk about politics, stories and faith. When we got to share about how we believe that our God heals sickness through Jesus they were a bit taken back. But after sharing testimonies of what we have seen they said it would be okay for me to pray for him and his back problems. He said it didn't feel much different after and I said that's okay. His brother said that he had a headache and asked if I could pray for it, I said for sure and after I prayed he said his headache felt completely better and that I must be very pure in order for people to be healed from my prayers. Our team proceeded to tell him that normally we aren't but because Jesus came as a sacrifice for us we are made clean so we can pray for things like this and see God move. 

We continued to meet with them every week. They would make beautiful meals and each time we would share more about our faith, it was such a beautiful picture of not allowing our different views to ruin the chance of being friends. During one of the days where we spent the whole day and night with them we had the opportunity to ask if the main guy has had any dreams of a man in white. (In the Middle East Muslims have been having a lot of dreams of Jesus through a vision of a man in white) He told us that he did and it happened ten years ago and he still remembers it! It was a dream that has stayed with him this whole time. When he was explaining it he was referencing a lot to what is so biblical and we got to explain that to him. The thing that really wrecked all of us was he said I also had a dream the night before I met you guys. He saw my co-leader Laura and another guy on our team named Simon standing outside of the Mosque and he came out to them to talk but then heard his father calling him back into the Mosque so he left. The crazy thing was Laura and Simon were the ones who met him first. 

These are just two stories of so many more of Gods faithfulness. Over and over again we saw a God who relentlessly pursues us. With this family he is so patient! The man had this dream 10 years ago and God's bringing us to him. We serve a God who has chosen to partner with us and is patiently waiting for us to step out and just allow Him to lead us to these people where seeds have been planted. If you want to hear more about the stories of what God did through us as well as in us then please message me and ask! I'd love to share.

To all of those who have supported me in prayer and in finances thank you! I honestly wouldn't have grown so much and seen this side of God if it weren't for you guys planting seeds in faith into my life. I love each and everyone of you so much and please don't ever hesitate to ask for anything and especially prayer. 

PEACE. LOVE. ANNOINTING.

|N E W S E A S O N|

Relationship With Jesus 

"We don't know what the future holds but we know the one that holds it."

A life with God is constantly being refined in different areas of your character. When you think you've learned a lesson, you quickly realize that there is soooo much more you can learn in that area of your life and grow in. For instance I thought that I was pretty good at making decisions and then committing to them. But in these past few months there has been a lot of uncertainty on which direction to take and not only say that I will do something but then walk it out right after. With small ones like setting up a classroom and doing every part of what that holds. Not just the parts that I enjoy but also the not so fun parts. But also big ones like do I go on outreach with this school, do I help lead this next February school, do I keep these relationships or do I move on. With decisions like these, questions like; How do I know I'm making the right decisions and its not myself and my insecurities pushing me away from people and situations? Am I doing these things based off pride and Gods teaching me things about my character? It felt like any decision I was trying to make had both a positive and negative outcome. I was so stuck because I thought and totally believed one thing but then when I tried to walk it out there was so much hurt and pain. Is the pain temporary for later breakthrough or am I just creating my own pain that was never supposed to be there? There was such a war in my mind over what is truth. It was to the point where I couldn't eat anything and I couldn't relate or talk with anyone. I felt so isolated and the whole time I was trying to tell myself that God is good and he will help me in this season but all I could hear is how much I have been messing up and nothing could fix these situations and I'm hopeless. I would cry out to God to help me and show me the truth in these situations and to come deliver me from this time. But I would hear and see nothing but my situation. 

I slowly started to come out of these thoughts and emotions until finally I was able to act and be like myself again. The thing that was so hard though was that I had no idea why or what happened. But also, I didn't want to walk out of this without knowing why this happened or what I was supposed to learn. So I was wrestling with the thought of all of this just happening for no reason. People would tell me what they thought it was but none of it made sense. I still have no idea what all of this was and why I went through it but I'm trusting God will reveal what I'm supposed to do and learn in this time and it's not my job to make anything happen. So I guess its To Be Continued... 

The School (Beach to Bush)

With the school we are on week 6 and this coming week will be going on our first road trip for 3 weeks straight. While on the road we will have the opportunity to do church services and help with service projects! We also just got our outreach locations and I'll be co-leading a team to the middle east! If you want to know specifics message me and I'll let you know. But we have a team of 5 (including the leaders) and I'm really stoked about our team! This school has been amazing to watch the students grow in their faith and see God move in their lives. This past week we had Holy Spirit and we got to see legs grow out and backs healed! There is such a zeal with this school to go out and show God to people, but not by preaching at them but by showing them the love and hand of God. I'm expecting to share more stories with you guys about the things we will see God doing in lives of others after this road trip! I'm really enjoying the relationships and people I have met in this time and have been so encouraged by all of them. 

Thank You!

Thank you guys for taking time to stay updated with me and if you have any questions about what I've shared or want to know more about specific things please message me and I'd love to talk with you guys! Each day I'm learning more and more to live like Jesus and honestly none of this could be done without your support!! Love you all, God bless!

The Only One.

You'd think after writing a certain amount of blogs it would get easier to write down where you're at and what you've learned since the last one.. But it's not. I still sit here with a crazy amount of emotions and thoughts, trying to figure out how to explain them without sounding confusing, crazy, or offensive. But I'm just going to be real with where I'm at in life, with Jesus, and my relationships, as well as give a few nuggets of wisdom I've picked up through this time of change in hopes of giving you some clarity on your life. First off though, may I recommend listening to Sleeping At Last while reading this (just a really good suggestion). These past months have been ones of uncertainty, fear, decisions and a lot of seeking the character of God and truth in my life; which has ultimately lead to more uncertainty, fear, and decisions, but a better understanding of the presence of God and how He is truly the one thing we need in our lives. Before going home I had a few ideas of what I could do after this year or what I would like to do, but nothing really concrete. While I was at home, I talked to friends and family about what they're doing and where they see themselves in the future and I was blown away. A lot of them have really good internships, good friendships and love their schools and honestly they're set for the future. Directly after I asked them what they're up to and how they've been I got the question right back. For me I hated answering this... I was intimidated by what their answers and how I had to respond with a very brief description of an answer that basically is in the ball park of "I have no clue." I literally have no clue what my future holds. And as I would listen to my friends I couldn't help but to be happy for them but yet jealous that I don't have it figured out. I would go home after seeing them feeling like I couldn't relate to anyone and feeling bitter towards God. I was bitter that He would call me to the other side of the country, which ultimately led to losing a lot of good friends and an increase in drama with my family about being halfway across the world. Bitter that I don't have a job or am even in the process of getting one. And upset that He won't even give me a hint of what's to come. I try to talk to Him about these things but I can't come to a place of even getting words to Him. I just sit in this place of apathy trying to get God to feel bad for me. There is a battle going on in my mind between all of these things and what I know to be true, which is that my God is good, faithful and loving in everything He does. I've seen it! I've seen it in five different nations in the past five months! I've seen it in the lives around me who've come to a place of surrender and not caring if they're right or wrong but instead just want God as a friend! I've even seen it in the issue that this whole situation is about... Money. Even after I saw provision three weeks before going home, I still stumbled from these questions and comparisons. But I was shown very quickly why I am where I am and doing what I do. While I was battling these things I was in the Boundary Waters with my dad having some good old father and son bonding time. I found myself on the bottom bunk at the outfitters with my dad above me. As we talked about life and as he asked me questions about God I asked him one simple question, "What stops you from wanting to experiencing God?" He responded with, "I'm not a good enough person." All I could respond with was, "It doesn't matter who you are or what you've done. God will meet you where you're at if you just let Him." And right there my dad prayed out that he wanted to know God. As we were sitting there in silence for about two minutes, he broke the silence by saying, "I just feel so at peace right now and warm." Now the thing that blew my mind was that it's cool when a random person experiences God that you've never met or known. But when it's your dad, who has seen you before you knew God, who has lived with you and seen your life everyday and knows when you're lying and telling the truth about something, when he says he believes what you're saying, that is unreal. My parents tell me every single time I talk to them how proud they are of me and how much growth they have seen. My mom is THE most stubborn person you will ever meet. She really didn't understand why I chose to come back after the first year... But now she sees the outcome of what God can do to us if we just put everything into Him. We got to go to Barnes and Noble together to buy bibles. Only God knows me better than my parents and they can't help but be intrigued by the change and want to see it in themselves. I was reminded in those moments that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Never do I question if God is real anymore, I've had far too many encounters with Him to be able to ask that. But all that I can question is His character and more and more I'm realizing that there should never be a doubt in Him. Every time He calls me to step out in an area of my life, I find myself being blessed or someone else receiving the blessing. So now I'm at a point where my lifestyle is called to be uncomfortable for Jesus but it's scary to go against the grain... And to go where the unknown is. Now for the first time in my life the thing that I'm struggling with most is wanting to leave my quiet times with God and go be with people. Before, I would struggle to have my times with God but now I'm truly in love with Him. I'm in love with who He is and the fact that He wants to come and spend time with me. That even when He asks me to do things and I let fear overcome me, He doesn't turn away and get impatient but instead embraces me and gives me more opportunities to succeed. He gives me wisdom and understanding when I ask Him for it, and I can see the power of my actions and words. I am who I am today because of just saying yes to His call of being surrendered and not thinking that I know better than Him. I get to encounter and feel the Creator of you, me and the entire earth every day and He's the one to tell me what to do each and every day. That's the kind of covenant I want to be in, not the one that is focusing on what I think is wrong or right about the world. I want to be in the one that focuses on the One who created everything just so I can be with Him. That's all. He's the only one and thing we will ever need. Only He can satisfy our hearts. Now I'll give you an update on what I have been doing here since my school ended in April! My two year commitment is split up into three phases. In the first and third phases I'm disciplining people in the ways of Jesus and also leading an outreach team to other nations! During the second phase (right now) I serve the base in some way, which for me is maintenance work. I work from 8:30 to 5:30 doing painting projects, pressure washing and different things like that. On Sunday nights I volunteer at our cafe and serve there. My phase ends at the end of this month and then I will start staffing my next school which is the Beach to Bush. We will go into country towns and help their community in whatever ways and also speak at churches and run Religious Education classes. I really felt the Lord urging me to switch from the photography school because He spoke that I would receive more intimacy with Him. I still don't have much clarity on my future but I do know that the Lord is preparing me in these years to be the best person I can be and to make others the same way. After all, I hear everyone talking about how they just want love and peace and for people to be good to each other and that's literally what we work for constantly here. The Lord is faithful with what He speaks and I'm excited to see the great things He has for me which will release hope to many nations. I thank God continually for everyone who supports me and is praying for me! I loved being home and getting to see my friends and family. I was blown away by how great my extended family truly is and that I could be raised in such an environment of so much love! I can't wait till the next time I get to come home and please keep following along with my journey

Jesus, Outreach and Me

Hello my beautiful people! It has been a while so I have a lot to update and catch you up with, which means it's going to be a longer post. I'll start with what happened in Indonesia and Malaysia.


OUTREACH:

As most of you know, I went to Malaysia and Indonesia with a team of seven students and a co-leader. About a week before departing to Indonesia I remember sitting in the office with Rachel (my co-leader) as we were trying to figure out how she was going to get $1,000 in seven days to be able to come. I honestly was preparing as if I was leading the team alone because I didn't know where her money would come from. I would pray and be in panic as I tried to figure out how I would lead a team when I struggle to take care of myself at times. But God would just respond and say, "Relax man, I have this." As the week went on I realized that God actually did have this; Rachel got all of her money in no time. After this, we were sitting pretty. We had all the money we needed and I was getting really excited that this thing we put so much prayer and time into was actually becoming real! But, two days before we were going to leave, I found out that the accountant made a mistake so I owed $900... I went straight to my room and started praying, questioning if I was actually supposed to go... Otherwise why would this have happened and how would I get this money? Keep in mind we already had our plane tickets but I couldn't leave the base until I had everything paid off. In the midst of this all, God spoke very clearly to me and explained basically that it was my choice. I could either stay on base and He would teach me what true intimacy with Him would look like, or I could go and He would show me what it means to be a true leader. For some reason I felt I was supposed to fight for it. So I posted to Facebook and in less than one day I got all the money I needed and next thing I knew I was on my way to Indo.

When I got there the air was dirty, there were dogs running around, and motor bikes everywhere. We took a 10 hour bus ride to Living Waters Orphanage where there currently are over 500 orphans. We did a lot of service projects like cleaning and helping move things. Also we had the opportunity to run the Sunday church service where I was able to give a testimony and small encouragement about not letting society tell you what your future will look like. Through our time there, our team learned a lot about the importance of vulnerability and that our team wouldn't be able to be a family until we actually got real with one another. After about six days we left on another 10 hour bus ride to Pontianak and when we got there we quickly realized the difference in culture. We were greeted by some breakfast... And then a second breakfast an hour later... Then lunch three hours later. And in Asian culture it's very rude not to eat everything that's given to you so we learned to push ourselves spiritually and physically. In Pontianak we taught a lot of dance classes and blessed them with photography for their base. After a few days there, we left the base and went to some villages that took a day's travel to get to. The villages that we went to had never had foreign visitors, so we were the first white people they had ever seen! When we came driving in, it was pretty evident by their reactions. People were following us on motorbikes and staring at us. It was about 6 p.m. when we arrived and as soon as we got there we were told by our contacts that we would be giving a sermon and testimonies in one hour. But first they said we needed to shower then go and have tea and then dinner. So Rachel and I looked at each other like who's going to give the sermon, where do we shower and how's all of this going to happen in an hour? One of our students felt that they were supposed to give the sermon and another a testimony so off we went to take our first bucket showers, but not without a struggle. Originally they were going to take us to the river, but they were slaughtering a pig there so instead we went into a really dark hut with two tubs. David (the only other guy on the team) went to the one where there was a fish in the tub that you grab water from and I went to another one where the water wouldn't shut off as my shirt fell in the toilet.. As this whole process was going down, David shouted to me, "Does yours have a door?" And I said, "Yeah, why?" He replied, "Mine doesn't and they're all watching me shower." Needless to say, we had quite the experience but the night went on to go really well, no regrets. Over the next few days we did a lot of house visits where we went to the houses of people who attend the church and prayed for whatever they wanted us to. Also we taught dance and English classes for the children which they loved! During one of the house visits there was a man who said he couldn't go to church because of his foot. We looked at it and there was huge cyst that looked really gross. We prayed for healing but nothing happened right away so we went on to the next houses. The next day, our last night, we were doing a church service and I saw him in the crowd. At the end people came up and thanked us and the guy came up and said that his foot was completely healed! He said that normally those cysts take two months to go away! The coolest part is the fact that he actually went up and shared, not because anybody asked him to, but because he felt compelled to since he got touched by God! SO GOOD!

We moved to another village and it was about a 20 minute drive. The first night we had another church service and afterwards, the woman who was running the service asked if we could pray for the sick and the old people. We were like yeah for sure, we love to pray, that's like all we do! So we started praying. I prayed for this old guy and man was he old... So I prayed that he wouldn't die right there and that he would be blessed. As I was praying, I looked over at a girl named Lacey who was on my team who was praying for the girl who was leading the service. This lady was on the ground in the Spirit...

This is probably a good time to tell you that these churches don't believe in the Holy Spirit and it's actually really dangerous to talk about it because of the churches they belong to.


So this lady was on the ground for about 10 minutes crying when the pastor came over and was telling her to get up because they had never seen this before. But she couldn't get up... Finally she got up, went to the podium, and started preaching. She said, "I have cancer and when this girl prayed for me I felt a hand come in and take the cancer out and it was so painful. But then I felt this warm soothing hand come and I just felt loved." And she started preaching to them and everyone in the audience started weeping. Our team was sitting there looking at each other like what the heck just happened... It was a great way to start our week with this village and we continued to see God's hand moving every time we stepped out. During an English class, as our translator preached the Gospel and sang, all of a sudden all of the children started crying and singing to Jesus and it didn't just go for 10 minutes but for over an hour these kids cried out to God. There are some more crazy stories from this village but if you want to hear more just ask and I'd love to tell you!

Our next stop was Kuching, Malaysia where we stayed for three weeks hanging with the youth and building relationships. What I saw in these youths, and how much they wanted God, pushed me so much to actually cry out to God and not ever become complacent. All they did was call out to God and want more of Him. We had the opportunity to go and help out at a youth conference where we got to pray for them after the service. I saw a swollen ankle and a back healed and many of the youths touched by God. It was such an amazing time and they were all so hospitable; they would often take us out to lunch and show us new places.

We took a 10 hour bus ride to Mukah which actually took more like 12 because our bus lost a tire... So that was interesting. During that time I found out that my whole team wants to get married and how many kids they want... Anyway, in Mukah we did a lot with the youth as well. Two of those girls had a sickness. One was a dancer and she couldn't dance anymore and the other had a problem with her mouth. God healed them both but also spoke to them really clearly and as we asked how they were, both of them couldn't talk but just started crying. Finally they told us and we were all blown away by God. A lot of our time in Malaysia was teaching prople how to hear the voice of God because they all love God but don't know how to walk with Him. So it was an amazing time and we saw God move SO MUCH.


That's a really rough overview of what happened. If I tried to explain everything that happened it would take a lot of time and you wouldn't have time to read it.




PERSONAL GROWTH:

During Malaysia and Indonesia and even up until now, God has been doing things in my life that is honestly really hard to explain but I'm going to do my best and be real.


A lot of Indonesia was learning what true fear of the Lord is and why it's so important. A huge prayer of mine was that I would hear God's voice so clearly and as I would hear Him, I would have to step out in that. And through that I would hear words like "tell the pastor of this random village that God's going to give her a sink" and "tell the other pastor that God's going to give him a grill." Now as I said these things the first pastor said that she has been praying for a sink so I knew clearly that was God. So she got a sink. But the second pastor would ignore me; I knew that's what God was saying so even though he ignored me, I didn't get discouraged. I still walked out and said whatever I felt God was saying. When our team wasn't being vulnerable with one another, God showed me what to say, how to say it, and when to say it and our team had a lot of breakthrough. I learned that it's absolutely nothing that I do... All I do is say yes and God does the rest. When I went to Malaysia honestly my relationship with God was not a fun time. I would struggle to get up and spend time with Him in the mornings, and the hardest part is that I know God doesn't want me to come if I don't want to. It's not like He NEEDS me to come and spend time with Him. So it was a war in my mind over the future and decisions I had to make about my relationships back at base and I just couldn't hear anything. Finally one day in the Kuching house I was spending time with Him and He spoke so clearly about what I'm supposed to do with our relationship. He didn't answer one thing about the 12 questions I had but instead He spoke about what I needed to hear in that exact moment. He told me about how I pick up on other peoples' revelations of Him and then base my relationship with Him off of their revelations. I constantly cry out that I want my own relationship with Him, one that's not like anyone else's, but as soon as I hear something that sounds good about God or how someone else lives their life with Him, I add it to how I should live mine. So He told me to go back to the things I knew He has spoken to me and I found out that there were only 3 things... I truly only knew 3 things that God has spoken to me that is our own. Basically God invited me to a place to restart; not to do-over everything, but to begin in a new spot where the very thing I desired would happen. Intimacy is what He promised would happen if I walk by only what He tells me to believe. So I sat there with what felt like nothing but so much hope of what He's going to do in the future. That's when He started speaking about all of the questions I had and how what He wanted me to do would lead to intimacy with Him and although it's the harder and more awkward choice, I won't leave empty-handed. Now today, this very second, I'm living out those choices and man is it difficult. Each morning I'm faced with a new struggle and awkward position but the amount I know God now doesn't even compare to what it was before. When I look back I honestly wonder if I even knew God, because He has now revealed so much and done so much in me that I'm not the same person. God is changing and forming me into who I was created to be slowly but surely and He's not missing anything. My worship now is real, my prayers now are real, my relationship with Him is actually real. It's not anyone's but my own. He's calling me to learn guitar and to sing, He's calling me to start working out and so much more that I can't say yet. But if I've learned anything, it's that God's not boring when we step out. If we stay within the boundaries of society He is boring because we were never meant to live there.

He also taught me what it means to step out in my authority of victory. I saw so many healings because I realized that Christ already won that for us. If they're not healed yet then we keep fighting. Two of our girls were REALLY sick. We were in the middle of the jungle and one had a temperature of 102 and the other girl hadn't ate anything in a week because whenever she did she threw it up. So I sat there thinking "what the heck are we going to do." We took one to the hospital and the doctors said that they didn't know what to do so when we got back to Kuching we had to bring her to the hospital but that's all they could do to help. We weren't going to be in Kuching for another two days, plus a 10 hour bus ride... So our team got in a circle and we put them in the middle and prayed. We decided we weren't going to move until they were healed or we had to go. Keep in mind we were supposed to be doing ministry soon so they all thought we were crazy. But they started coming over and praying and next thing we knew Madison got healed and didn't have a fever anymore and Sydney started eating food and kept it down. We as Christians have so much authority but we rarely choose to access it. God's showing me how crazy this generation is going to be for Him. He's releasing things over us at such a young age. But we have to choose it! And also be willing to learn what it looks like to steward it. Let our cries to God be such a loud YES. Yes to what He says, yes to what He's doing, and yes to letting Him love us! Cheesy but yet sooo true. The only way we will ever be at a place of knowing God is by letting Him first know us and that's where I'm at. It's messy too, because I have a lot of pride, but praise God that He's bigger than all of it.

So my school ended this week, what a season of life this has been... I have met some of the most amazing people and I'm excited to see what they do in this life. Be praying for them that God will have His way and they will stay yielded to Him.

Lastly, thank you so much to everyone who donated and made this journey possible. I would have never had the opportunities I had unless I had your support, especially with the finances so last-second. Everything that happened through our team happened because of your support. You play a bigger role in my life than you will ever know and if you ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask! I just want to give a little shout out to my parents for their support above all else. Through this journey it has been so hard to be away and they don't always understand it but yet they are supportive through it all! PLEASE pray for them because they deserve to be blessed immensely for all they do. Love you Rob and Trac.

That is all! Thanks for reading and I'll be home in June!! CANT WAIT!

New Beginnings

It blows my mind to think of how amazing this past year has been.. All the things God has taught me, all the relationships I've made. How many hours I have spent in a plane, and how many hours I have spent lying awake trying to get use to a new time zone. This past year has definatly revolved around stepping out into things of the unknown and trusting God won't leave me abandoned and alone. The things that I have learned might not bring me closer towards a degree but they have definatly taught me what purpose and persistence means. When I think of this past year I can't help but to think of how fast the years come and go and how they seem to keep going even quicker the older I get. So with that, I want to share some of the things that influenced the way I see life to make you think deeper then surface level and to get you to step out in some area of your life this next year!

1. Going to Peru-  So as many of you probably know this past year I got the opportunity to go to South America for my 7 week outreach trip. There I experienced and saw things that are hard to explain but something I realised is how blessed western culture truly is.. Now I know that's the cliché  Christian missionary statement but then I also saw something even deeper. The amount of brokenness that's in the families there because of big things that we just take advantage of daily. For example we went out with a group of doctors from Virgina and helped them run their ministry with the Kechawen people. It's about an hour drive out from Cusco to them and when we got out there I realised that their houses were made out of mud and straw bricks and most of the people that were coming to us are about 65 to 70 years old still doing manual labor and they could hardly walk. What we would did is have the people go through and get glasses and medicine and then after we would have a prayer area where people could come get healed. Now when I was sitting there in the middle of Peru in a hut with this 90 year old man named Reese, never seeing a healing a day in my life I couldn't help but think this has got to be a joke. And to be honest the first day it kinda was... 30 different people would come and we would pray and he would always ask them if there's still pain and their response was always the same.. yes.. So at that point I was sitting there really discouraged and doubting God but I just remember watching this 90 year old man continually pressing in and praying and especially for this one woman who was about 50 years old. She came to us and right away she was pointing to her lower stomach right around the bladder and she was crying. So Reese did what he always did and would pray but this one really stood out to me. Now on every person that came by I remember him just crying as he was praying for them and I thought that was so interesting because I knew he didn't know them... He had to have 2 translators just to communicate with them. So why was he crying..? This women though he could not stop crying.. and she kept saying there was pain and he kept saying there's nothing I can do for her she needs to go to the hospital. She was so balloted that her stomach had a point on it and she said that the hospital couldn't do anything for her and that he needs to heal her and he kept praying but nothing happened and it got to the point that he had to ask her to leave so others could get prayer.. I remember just sitting there watching how heart broken he was telling her he couldn't do anything to help her. We had to leave soon after that and I remember thinking "wow.. I have to do this all week.." Sure enough we were back in the mountains that next day but a different village and their Reese was.. He always asked me to sit next to him and pray with him. Now this day I remember people were actually starting to say that they felt better and it wasn't visible stuff so I couldn't help but think that they were saying this because they just wanted to move on to get their free medicine. But then people started coming who had bent backs, limps, and even blind eyes. Guess what... THEY. ALL. GOT. HEALED. I saw it with my own eyes, and if that wasn't good enough their reactions after each one got healed was the most amazing thing I have ever seen.. They couldn't stop smiling and some couldn't stop crying. I knew it was real because they couldn't fake that and the best part was after Reese prayed for them he would be like "Yup, they're healed.. Next" and I would just be like how do you know.. And sure enough they would be healed. They were all getting healed every body part where there was pain was healed.

Now to be honest, I still don't know why that 50 year old woman who had the bloated stomach didn't get healed and I probably never will. But what I do know, that I know, I know! Is that God can heal. That God is aways good and that I don't need to know in order for God to be God. No matter how much we doubt, no matter how much we question His goodness, no matter how much we believe in him guess what. Hes still the same God. And that's what blew my mind.

p.s. I feel like God wants to heal some people via skype, so if you have pain let me know and we can skype and get that healed.

2. Wayzata Community Church- Upon arriving home in May I was wondering what I was going to do for work and I remember getting a random phone call from this wonderful women named Hillary Flynn. She was calling to ask if I would be willing to staff at her camp for a little over a month and I remember just thinking wow God.. I don't do camp... And Him saying, "You do now..." 

And that was that, next thing I know I'm in my car on my way up with diarrhea from the medicine I'm taking for my pneumonia. You could say praising God was one of the harder things on that road trip... But none the less there I was, looking at all these new faces and thinking this is where I will be for the next month! Now by this point it would probably be good for you to know that I don't like new things. When I go to the original pancake house I get the cherry crepes, when I get gas I go to BP, when I have to drive places I will take the way I know even if it takes a half hour longer. I get that from my grandpa I think.. But anyway I hate new things... So jumping into a summer camp that was going to take a month of my summer when I have been gone from my family already, you would think would be hard. But guess what, it wasn't!! Not one bit. Wanna know why? Because that's where God wanted me to be and as soon as I stepped out I felt at peace about my decision, that's how it works! Wanna know the even better part?! I had fun too! WCC (wayzata community church) was such an amazing experience for me, I learned how to love people no matter what they look like or act like! I have never seen such a church include everyone and make everyone feel so valued and that's something that I had to learn at that time of my life. Especially as I'm going into ministry! So I saw that even as God calls you to the unknown and it's only a 2 hour drive away that he's still going to show up! Honestly, that's where I truly started to fall in love with God on a personal level. It wasn't in Australia, it wasn't in Peru. But just a 2 hour drive away from where I grew up. And it's because I'm constantly pursuing Him. If  you knock he will answer. You draw near He will draw near. You choose Him He chooses you! You just have to make the first move. But don't worry if you miss this one or even the next one because He's always pursuing you. You can run, but you'll never escape Him.

3. BLS- Okay, last one. There are tons of more things that have happened but you'll just have to message me for them! So with coming back to YWAM and choosing to do the Basic Leadership School it was probably one of the harder decisions I've ever had to make in my young Jesus career. I'll give you a quick back story. Just in case you haven't read my earlier blog. So there I was crying out to God in the shower, asking him, why do I feel so uneasy with where I'm at/heading in life.. And as I was at about the end of myself... Literally it was to the point where I didn't even want to follow God anymore because I felt sooo lost! Which quick side note is because you're walking in disobedience to Gods plan. That's another tangent though.. So I was in the shower like God what do you want me to do, I lay everything at your feet, have your way! (best prayer you can pray) Right away I just heard MAD DTS October... So saying yes was the easiest part.. Then came finances, friends and families opinions.. A.k.a college, and a visa! So I did what any smart christian would do... I prayed and said God if you want me to go you will make the way! Guess what happened? You got it! God changed the hearts of my parents, gave me the finances to go, silenced all my haters and gave me a visa within 2 days! So I quickly realised that I thoroughly enjoy when God makes it easy for you to step into a vision! Here I am now. Discipling 5 young men, still doing homework (ugh), preparing to lead a team on outreach to Malaysia and Indonesia, and still constantly finding time to hang out with the one who created me and calls me by name! My God. Oh and also, with finances I felt God saying that the funds will come in for outreach and I got my whole outreach payed off on Christmas Eve and I even had a little extra money to buy my first pair of hipster skinny jeans. 

AND FINALLY

This past week we had a speaker on "destiny" which basically just gets you to dream with God! I know what I want with my life and it's this: I want people to experience the true presence of God and in that experience true freedom. I want to know true intimacy with God and I want to be a true man of God. I know I'm called to lead people into something bigger and greater then anything we have seen before and I know I'm called to be a revivalist for Jesus Christ.                                

Whats your calling?