"Do You Trust Me?"

(Hello! I just want to preface this post by saying this is what I believe about my season now - but my view could change the more I grow in understanding.)

A few years ago I was sitting in lectures and I remember the speaker was talking about laying our lives down and going anywhere God leads us. During that time I was staffing my second Discipleship Training School so I thought I had this part pretty much down. I mean, I already left my home and my family, I left school and what was going to lead to a comfortable job. I went in a direction where I wasn't making any money and was completely dependent on the support of others. I thought there was nothing that I wouldn't do for God. I would go to any third world nation in a heartbeat if I knew He was calling me. But I've been learning that God isn't as interested about our geographic location; He wants our hearts completely surrendered to Him.

So there I was sitting in lectures and I heard a strong voice say to me, "Go home. Do you trust me?" I was shook to the core. At this point in time, I had just committed to leading an outreach team to the Middle East, and I also committed to leading 3 schools after that one (at least a two year commitment). So you could imagine how shocked I was when I heard this... So many questions were going through my head at this time: 

First off, "Is this actually you God?"

Secondly, "Why would you want me to go home? There's nothing there for me."

Thirdly, "When am I supposed to go?" 

Additionally, I really loved what I was doing! I loved leading teams overseas and watching young people encounter the presence of God. At the time, I wondered why a loving God would ask me to walk away from something I loved so much?

On the surface I was acting like everything was okay but inside there was a battle over God's character and if the things I was hearing were actually from Him. I felt like I couldn't let people know I was processing leaving because I didn't want to seem uncommitted. I wanted to be obedient to God no matter what, but when I thought of opportunities back home I just couldn't picture anything good happening there. Going home felt hopeless. 

This process was difficult; the constant doubt and questioning eventually led me to a place of anxiety and depression. I remember thinking, 'Christians aren't supposed to struggle with this...' I was waking up at 5 a.m. every morning for weeks trying to figure out if I was being disobedient to the voice of God. I would run through scenarios in my head of what would happen if I left everything in a week. I was so afraid of leaving and later realizing I heard wrong, then missing out on school leading... but at the same time I was afraid of not leaving and missing out on bigger opportunities that I couldn't see in the moment. I wanted to obey God, but was not confident about what He said. 

For the sake of not writing a ridiculously long post I'm going to skip through most of my process but feel free to ask me about it if you want to know more.

During this time,  God spoke to me, "I am not afraid of the process." This got me through the next two years. I ended up deciding to stay with YWAM and finish my commitment because there was too much uncertainty in my heart about if I actually heard God. 

So here I am...  two years later, at the end of my commitment. I have a lot of the same questions but with less emotions. Two weeks ago, I was sitting in my room praying, trying to figure out what to do next. Do I go back to the word that I felt God might have been saying two years ago and trust that it's Him and that me going home is still what He wants? Or do I start figuring things out on my own? At this point I've learned there's a big difference between praying and just processing my thoughts.

I finally silenced my thoughts and asked God, "What am I supposed to do?"

Right away I heard His still small voice ask, "Do you trust me?" and it brought me right back to the place I was in two years ago. In the past I would just respond with, "Yes! Of course!" But this time I blurted out "No, I don't." I was almost shocked because it was the first time I was honest with myself... Every 'good Christian knows' the correct answer to that question is always Yes God!! But my honest answer was a simple no. Then again I heard, "Do you trust me?" Again I responded, "No God, I don't." A third time I heard God say, "Do you trust me?" and finally I said, "No I don't, but I want to..."

Something in me broke in that moment; it was the first time I really cried in my life. I felt God doing something in my heart. I didn't understand it with my mind but I felt something deep within.

Before this moment, when I would think about going home, I would instantly feel overwhelmed with the unknown and think I have to figure everything out on my own. But in that moment it was like God showed me that He never desired me to figure it out on my own strength but that I trust Him. The simple truth of trusting God. I think I like to complicate it and strive to do things for God but what He truly desires is that we trust Him when He says something.

I wish I could tell you that after that moment all doubts and unbelief left but 30 minutes later, I was asking myself if that was actually God. This is the process that God is not afraid of though. I won't ever know if it was Him who spoke to me unless I take the leap of faith into the unknown and allow Him to show Himself as faithful, loving, and the Good Shepherd. 

I believe this season will be one of growing and almost being hidden in a lot of ways. I know God has created me to be influential and to reach people for His kingdom. But I also know that my heart still has a lot of selfish desires and pride that needs refinement. So for now I'm trusting God. I'm trusting that He actually spoke to me, I'm trusting that He has a community for me to get plugged into and new friends to do life with, I'm trusting that He has an incredible job or opportunity for me, or that He will speak the next step. 

Thank you to those who have read this far!

To my friends in Minnesota: 

I can't wait to reconnect with all of you guys and hear about what's been happening in your life and to get to do life together! Thank you for all of your support and keeping up with my journey the last 5 years! I seriously couldn't have done any of this without you.

To those who I've met during YWAM:

All I can say is thank you. You guys have had such a huge impact on my life and I seriously can't imagine life without each of you. Regardless if I was supposed to be in YWAM or not, I know God used my time there in such incredible ways. I have been so blessed by the way you guys have supported me through this process, whether that was through listening or giving advice. I'm so grateful and this time has really shaped the person I am today. I love this ministry and base and couldn't have asked for a better group to do life with. 

To end, I have a lot of emotions when thinking about this next chapter of my life. I'm excited to see what God wants to do, but I am also nervous and scared about what it'll look like. If you think about it, keep me in your prayers and please stay in touch! I love all of you guys and can't wait to see what the future holds. 

Blessings.