The Only One.

You'd think after writing a certain amount of blogs it would get easier to write down where you're at and what you've learned since the last one.. But it's not. I still sit here with a crazy amount of emotions and thoughts, trying to figure out how to explain them without sounding confusing, crazy, or offensive. But I'm just going to be real with where I'm at in life, with Jesus, and my relationships, as well as give a few nuggets of wisdom I've picked up through this time of change in hopes of giving you some clarity on your life. First off though, may I recommend listening to Sleeping At Last while reading this (just a really good suggestion). These past months have been ones of uncertainty, fear, decisions and a lot of seeking the character of God and truth in my life; which has ultimately lead to more uncertainty, fear, and decisions, but a better understanding of the presence of God and how He is truly the one thing we need in our lives. Before going home I had a few ideas of what I could do after this year or what I would like to do, but nothing really concrete. While I was at home, I talked to friends and family about what they're doing and where they see themselves in the future and I was blown away. A lot of them have really good internships, good friendships and love their schools and honestly they're set for the future. Directly after I asked them what they're up to and how they've been I got the question right back. For me I hated answering this... I was intimidated by what their answers and how I had to respond with a very brief description of an answer that basically is in the ball park of "I have no clue." I literally have no clue what my future holds. And as I would listen to my friends I couldn't help but to be happy for them but yet jealous that I don't have it figured out. I would go home after seeing them feeling like I couldn't relate to anyone and feeling bitter towards God. I was bitter that He would call me to the other side of the country, which ultimately led to losing a lot of good friends and an increase in drama with my family about being halfway across the world. Bitter that I don't have a job or am even in the process of getting one. And upset that He won't even give me a hint of what's to come. I try to talk to Him about these things but I can't come to a place of even getting words to Him. I just sit in this place of apathy trying to get God to feel bad for me. There is a battle going on in my mind between all of these things and what I know to be true, which is that my God is good, faithful and loving in everything He does. I've seen it! I've seen it in five different nations in the past five months! I've seen it in the lives around me who've come to a place of surrender and not caring if they're right or wrong but instead just want God as a friend! I've even seen it in the issue that this whole situation is about... Money. Even after I saw provision three weeks before going home, I still stumbled from these questions and comparisons. But I was shown very quickly why I am where I am and doing what I do. While I was battling these things I was in the Boundary Waters with my dad having some good old father and son bonding time. I found myself on the bottom bunk at the outfitters with my dad above me. As we talked about life and as he asked me questions about God I asked him one simple question, "What stops you from wanting to experiencing God?" He responded with, "I'm not a good enough person." All I could respond with was, "It doesn't matter who you are or what you've done. God will meet you where you're at if you just let Him." And right there my dad prayed out that he wanted to know God. As we were sitting there in silence for about two minutes, he broke the silence by saying, "I just feel so at peace right now and warm." Now the thing that blew my mind was that it's cool when a random person experiences God that you've never met or known. But when it's your dad, who has seen you before you knew God, who has lived with you and seen your life everyday and knows when you're lying and telling the truth about something, when he says he believes what you're saying, that is unreal. My parents tell me every single time I talk to them how proud they are of me and how much growth they have seen. My mom is THE most stubborn person you will ever meet. She really didn't understand why I chose to come back after the first year... But now she sees the outcome of what God can do to us if we just put everything into Him. We got to go to Barnes and Noble together to buy bibles. Only God knows me better than my parents and they can't help but be intrigued by the change and want to see it in themselves. I was reminded in those moments that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Never do I question if God is real anymore, I've had far too many encounters with Him to be able to ask that. But all that I can question is His character and more and more I'm realizing that there should never be a doubt in Him. Every time He calls me to step out in an area of my life, I find myself being blessed or someone else receiving the blessing. So now I'm at a point where my lifestyle is called to be uncomfortable for Jesus but it's scary to go against the grain... And to go where the unknown is. Now for the first time in my life the thing that I'm struggling with most is wanting to leave my quiet times with God and go be with people. Before, I would struggle to have my times with God but now I'm truly in love with Him. I'm in love with who He is and the fact that He wants to come and spend time with me. That even when He asks me to do things and I let fear overcome me, He doesn't turn away and get impatient but instead embraces me and gives me more opportunities to succeed. He gives me wisdom and understanding when I ask Him for it, and I can see the power of my actions and words. I am who I am today because of just saying yes to His call of being surrendered and not thinking that I know better than Him. I get to encounter and feel the Creator of you, me and the entire earth every day and He's the one to tell me what to do each and every day. That's the kind of covenant I want to be in, not the one that is focusing on what I think is wrong or right about the world. I want to be in the one that focuses on the One who created everything just so I can be with Him. That's all. He's the only one and thing we will ever need. Only He can satisfy our hearts. Now I'll give you an update on what I have been doing here since my school ended in April! My two year commitment is split up into three phases. In the first and third phases I'm disciplining people in the ways of Jesus and also leading an outreach team to other nations! During the second phase (right now) I serve the base in some way, which for me is maintenance work. I work from 8:30 to 5:30 doing painting projects, pressure washing and different things like that. On Sunday nights I volunteer at our cafe and serve there. My phase ends at the end of this month and then I will start staffing my next school which is the Beach to Bush. We will go into country towns and help their community in whatever ways and also speak at churches and run Religious Education classes. I really felt the Lord urging me to switch from the photography school because He spoke that I would receive more intimacy with Him. I still don't have much clarity on my future but I do know that the Lord is preparing me in these years to be the best person I can be and to make others the same way. After all, I hear everyone talking about how they just want love and peace and for people to be good to each other and that's literally what we work for constantly here. The Lord is faithful with what He speaks and I'm excited to see the great things He has for me which will release hope to many nations. I thank God continually for everyone who supports me and is praying for me! I loved being home and getting to see my friends and family. I was blown away by how great my extended family truly is and that I could be raised in such an environment of so much love! I can't wait till the next time I get to come home and please keep following along with my journey