This past month has been a really challenging time for me with God. I can't tell you how many times I found myself so upset and irritated with where I was in my relationship with Him. Normally I would wake up and have about an hour just hanging out with God, whether that's reading my bible listening to worship or just praying. But as the month went on I found myself waking up and choosing to scroll through facebook and instagram instead of waking up and spending quality time with Him. In my journal on November 6th, I wrote:
"Truthfully I haven't been spending much time with You and I can see how that's been effecting me. During worship I was struggling to look to you and not be distracted."
And it wasn't just during worship but throughout the day I would struggle to look to him. I would be half way through my day and completely forget that God has been right next to me this whole day, even when I have been faced with situations that I have no clue how to handle... Something I didn't understand though was this whole time I have been struggling with my time with God I would be forcing myself to spend time with Him because I know that I'm suppose to. But everyone would say you should enjoy your time with God it shouldn't be something that's work. For three weeks I would battle back and forth between 'should I even spend time with God if I'm not even enjoying it?' I would find myself asking questions like, "Is this because of something I'm doing wrong? Where are you? Am I just not hearing you? What am I missing?" Over the course of these weeks people would tell me that Gods trying to teach me how to rest and I would get even more frustrated because I never knew what that looked like and I knew that all I could do was trust in Gods character, that he wouldn't just leave me where I was and that He was actually doing a work in me.
Fast forward three weeks and in my journal on December 3rd, I said:
"Today I was reading the book Drawing Near and it was talking about how important it is to keep a hunger for God; that when we lose our hunger for God that is when we get bored with our relationship with Him and we're on the verge of spiritual death. I need to be learning how to be patient with God when spending time with Him and not discontent. To make sure that there's nothing going before him including my calling or destiny. And that I'm loving out of Him and not myself, while I'm going through a hard time or waiting"
I soon realized that I have such a negative mindset over my relationship with God. I have this thinking that I cant hear him and whenever I ask him questions for myself he wont speak. Basically I'm setting myself up to be shunned by God. It's like us going up to our fathers and asking them if they will help us but already having a mindset that they won't so we ask just to walk away before they answer.
Lastly, God has been showing me the importance of being obedient and how when I step out in obedience its the beginning of intimacy. More and more I find myself hearing God asking me to step out in things that seem strange or are uncomfortable but when I do them I see myself becoming closer to God. I see that I'm actually stepping out and spending time with him because my heart just longs to be in his presence! I see the true joy that is sufficient and I see the actual love that God has for me more and more as I stay in this place of trust and hunger. I'm realizing how simple a relationship with God is, it has absolutely nothing to do with how hard I can pray or how holy I can be but all that matters is that I'm obedient to what he speaks and that I stay patient, knowing his character is faithful and good! Each day I struggle with something new, but as it says in Romans 5:2-5
"2 And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand - out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise. 3 There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, 4 and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. 5 In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary - we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!"
My new challenge I'm faced with from God is something I just found out about myself last night, which is how dependent I am on being wanted by others. This isn't just with people but with God too and I see that its a root of a lot of my insecurities and I know that I've been created to not strive for Gods love but to just receive it. I'm continually growing and being molded by God to be who He created me to be and its for sure a journey, but one that I'm glad I don't have to do on my own!
I hope that my message can be encouraging to you wherever you're at in life and know that God is constantly pursuing you no matter how far off you feel you are from Him. He's relentlessly pursuing you. If you want to hear any crazy testimonies of what happened during our Holy Spirit week, message me and I'd love to share with you!
Please be praying for me and my team as we are preparing to leave! Pray that we will get all the finances we need! I personally still need about $2,500 so please pray about supporting me and being a part of my journey!
PEACE, LOVE, AND ANNOINTING!
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