Every single day I have a lecturer or a podcast maybe a book that I read who says this is who God is but I'm at the point where I see so many contradictions in beliefs and ideas that I don't know how to follow God without it being wrong to someone else. The last thing that I want to do is follow a man made idea of who God is.. To me that just sounds empty and pointless. I want the one true living God to open my eyes to who He is! That sounds so much more exciting! Plus then how could I doubt anything and I could teach everyone who God really is. Sounds good in theory right? But then somethings started to become really clear to me... I was reading a book called Knowledge of The Holy and it says that if someone had a complete understanding of who God is the weight and responsibility to share that would be unbearable.. Which makes sense.. But God didn't just leave me with that. I realized God is more into the process of revealing who He is rather then just giving the answers. Now for me, I really struggle with this one.. But when you think about it how would you feel if you had a friend or even a son who just came to you when you needed answers but other then that they wouldn't go out of their way to spend time with you... That would be a pretty selfish relationship, but yet that's what I was doing with God day after day. Asking the same questions and getting stuck in this rut of doubt.
I know God has called me to heal the sick, tell of His way and to pray for people. I would struggle to do any of that. When I saw a sick person on the road or would feel to encourage someone I wouldn't go over and pray for them because I was questioning things and I thought that was a good enough reason. Ultimately though that's just selfishness that I'm allowing others to struggle because I'm struggling.
I know God has called me to heal the sick, tell of His way and to pray for people. I would struggle to do any of that. When I saw a sick person on the road or would feel to encourage someone I wouldn't go over and pray for them because I was questioning things and I thought that was a good enough reason. Ultimately though that's just selfishness that I'm allowing others to struggle because I'm struggling.
The biggest thing that these doubts have taken from me though is the true presence of God. I wouldn't just sit with Him anymore without an agenda, but I would have a list of questions to go over in my head and if I didn't hear an answer I would leave discouraged. Something big God has pointed out to me since being home is the fact of how prideful I have been with these questions. Rather than approaching them with a humble heart and saying here's where I'm at, I have come at it with a mindset that I deserve to know these and He should tell me because He created me and put me through this. Now in Proverbs 3:34 it says:
34 He has no use for conceited people, but shows favor to those who are humble.
So here I am demanding answers but not understanding that He has no reason to answer those demands. But in a weird way God still answered me just not how I was expecting.. This morning when I was praying God pointed to me to Job 38 and it's where God is responding to Job and showing him that Job has no understanding to be asking such great questions of God. Verses 4 and 5 say:
4 Were you there when I made the world?
If you know so much, tell me about it.
5 Who decided how large it would be?
Who stretched the measuring line over it?
Do you know all the answers?
If you know so much, tell me about it.
5 Who decided how large it would be?
Who stretched the measuring line over it?
Do you know all the answers?
The greatest revelation we can have is the greatness of our God. When we see how big He actually is then we're sitting there looking at how great and mighty He really is and every little problem we have melts away. If we have this deep foundation of knowing Him then the scripture saying, "If our God is for us, who can stand against us" has a whole new meaning. If you don't truly know the God who's for you then how can you go against anything. We NEED to spend more time looking at Him then looking at our questions! Now don't get me wrong question's aren't bad and I'll still probably wake up with 100 more but if those lead to questioning who God is then that's where as a Church we become paralyzed in our faith. We can't be a slave to two masters. Either we will be led by a mind of faith, or we will be a slave to an analytical mind.
Inside I can't help but think, "Am I just trying to find a cop out for pursuing answers by saying God is God?" But there's a deeper knowing in that, there is peace in the waiting and somethings really aren't for me to fully know yet and I can learn to rest in that! When we see His greatness then we will understand that He deserves every part of our life but at the same time we're human and can't possibly be perfect.. That's where we have perfect love in Jesus who covers the fact that we can't do that. His grace is perfect, and we can try our best to give everything but even though we come up short God still loves us! I encourage you to ask God what He wants to reveal of Himself and allow him to open your eyes. You will only see His true character if you give Him time to show it.
God bless everyone and thank you for taking time to read my process haha. If you have any questions or want to talk more about this you can message me and I'd love to tell you more!
I will leave you with this song that is soooo good:
